Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Why I Almost Ate My Professor for Lunch - Graduate School and Pregnancy

Pregnancy and My MBA
"I almost ate my professor for lunch."

I began my Masters in Business Administration (MBA) program when I was 5-months pregnant and ended the program with a toddler.  

MBA + Pregnancy = a few challenges

My MBA program held lunch at 1:15 pm for its students.  ARE THEY SERIOUSLY SERIOUS?  1:15?  Do they have any idea how late that is to eat lunch?  Not having lunch until 1:15 pm, to a pregnant woman, is cruel and unusual.  But not even for just pregnant people, but 1:15 is still late for normal people too.  

There were times that I contemplated eating my professor’s arm if he decided to continue with lecture for even 15-seconds past our 1:15 pm lunch break.  

While I was pregnant during my MBA program, I literally, on purpose, gave my professor(s) the meanest  ugliest possible look I could possibly put on my face if that professor so much as went 5-seconds into my lunch hour (I do not recommend this!).  

Looking back, my professors that semester probably thought I was absolutely batshit crazy - they probably wondered why this blonde, pregnant girl was trying to kill them with her stare.  

The truth is that I was hungrier than a hyena   For me, an empty stomach during my pregnancy was always met with "morning" sickness (aka, "absolute Hell") and an excruciating headache (I had a terrible first trimester as far as "morning" sickness goes).  On top of that, our classes started at 8:00 am – what kind of normal person would not be starving by 1:15?  That is just plain mean to make us wait until 1:15! What ever happened to eating lunch at noon, like society has taught us to do? 

The student union of my college campus is the equivalent to a pregnant woman’s Disney Land – with everything from Burger King, to make-your-own pitas, to Crab Rangoon.

Some suggested that, to combat my pregnancy hunger, I pack my own lunch…and “nibble on it during class.”  Sure.  That seems simple.  But why would I do that when there was an entire student union full of reasonably-priced restaurants for my fat, hungry, very-pregnant self to choose from?  So what did I do?  

If you could flashback and somehow watch me during my so-called “bathroom breaks,” then you would have seen me, who was very pregnant, running/waddling across campus to the student union’s Burger King - for their chicken tenders that I had been thinking about all morning (and their sweet and sour sauce, of course), and fries.  Oh my!

I took “bathroom breaks” during my MBA lectures, which is code for the fact that I frequently became a pregnant ninja and snuck my hungry, pregnant over to the student union's food court.  

Over time, I mastered the art of shoving chicken tenders in my face during my “bathroom breaks” and I am fairly confident that I broke a world record at how fast my 7+months pregnant body could waddle/run back to my seat in class.  All of this was done without any of my classmates ever knowing what I had just done – these were my top secret Burger King missions.  Muah ha ha.  Eventually, I became a master in this mission for chicken tenders – I perfected this process and narrowed it down from 20 minutes to only 14 minutes, all in which I made it from my classroom, to across campus to the student union Burger King, then I ate chicken tenders faster than you would ever think is humanly possible, and then would walk/waddle-run back to my classroom, and take my seat in class like nothing had happened (for all they knew, it takes a pregnant lady 14 minutes to pee).

Mute Button Pacifier - Ha!

Mute Button Pacifier
Link:  Mute Button Pacifier from

Ok.  This is hilarious.  I'm adding this to my gift list for future pregnant friends.


These Are My [Pack N Play] Confessions - Mom

Pack N Play Confessions
Confession: Our Pack N Play Playard is my 
extra-large laundry hamper.

The time has come; I need to start being honest with myself and accept myself for who I am - my Pack N Play Playard will always, and forever be, my super duper, extra-large laundry hamper for as long as the Pack N Play is present in my living room area.  

I need accept myself, and accept the fact that my Pack N Play will never be used as a proper playard for my child (for any time period of longer than a day, after which it will be filled with my clean clothes, and my child's clean clothes, once again).

Am I really so tired and/or lazy that I can't gather the mental focus to fold a hamper of clothes?  Yes
These Are My Pack N Play Confessions
More Confessions: 

Sometimes, I even chuckle, and nod my head, as I hear those judgmental mommies roar about how "unnecessary these Pack'N'Play devices are" - because "after all, you don't need a Pack'N'Play if you just watch your baby."  I don't speak up when I hear this chatter, but that's only because I have needed to make myself feel better about my terrible laundry habit - the shame!  It's like my dirty little secret:  I think the Pack N Play is fantastic (for more reason than one), and I would use the Pack N Play if I could break my habit of using it as my [greatest] laundry hamper of all time.  

Dear America, I am no longer ashamed of my love for the Pack N Play, no matter how I choose to use it.  

I love my Pack N Play almost as much as I love yoga pants (see My Love Letter to My Yoga Pants for more on that).

But I do long for a more organized laundry-keeping system...

  • If only I were strong enough to resist the temptation of Pack-N-Play's desirable, large-capacity hamper.  
  • If only I were motivated enough to put away my laundry once my clothes left my dryer.
But I'm not, because, guess what?  It's just way easier to use the Pack N Play as my secondary closet.  I love it. I admit it.  It's the greatest laundry hamper that I have ever owned (it doesn't overflow!).  It's fantastic, aside from the whole part of it being a complete "eye sore" and in my living room, but for now - this is who I am and loving yourself, despite your own flaws, is important.  

I feel better already.  

I love you, Pack N Play.


Share your confessions here by commenting below!


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