Daily Mom Humor – Noises In My House Means a Serial Killer

When I am home alone, every single noise I hear is a serial killer.

As first time home-buyers, our first year living in our first house has been full of many surprises.  As far as the reality of owning a house goes, we were previously spoiled by the lack of responsibly and accountability that went into living in a rented apartment unit.  Renting an apartment meant that it was always the landlord’s problem when a washing machine all-of-the-sudden wouldn’t drain or when the toilet all-of-the-sudden started constantly ‘running’….and “maintenance” guy for the apartment complex would always fix it, and yet, our monthly rent remained unchanged).  

Among the many surprises of owning a home was the specific noise that a “sump pump” (not even sure if I am spelling that correctly) makes.  A sump pump sounds, surprisingly, very similar to the noises that a garage-door makes when it opens and closes (at least the two noises sound similar when you are sitting on the couch of the living room).  

According all other house-geniuses out there, a sump pump removes excess water from around the homes (prevents mold and floods….bla, bla, bla); nevertheless, the sump pump is a very important feature to have in a home.  

As a new home owner, I had absolutely no idea what that humming noise was…I had lived there for 7-months, and I had never heard that noise before (aside from when our garage door was opening and closing).  To make sense of it all – we had never lived in the home during a rainy/snow-meling season which required our sump pump to remove water from around out house.

It sounded like my garage door was opening (but for only 5-seconds….when it takes my garage 10-seconds to open).

The dogs would bark.

My senses told me that someone was opening the garage, yet all of my family was inside of the house.

This ultimately led me to the conclusion that there was a crazy person who had somehow managed to steal a a copy of our garage door opener, make a copy, and in my mind, this person was purposely messing with me by opening my garage, part-way, for only 5-seconds, and then shutting it – all before I could run into the garage see the garage door actually opening and closing.

It was straight out of a scene of one of the “Scream” films.

When I told my friend this story, her exact words were: “Oh my god.  You are crazy like me – you need (FILL IN THE ANTI-DEPRESSANT MEDICATION NAME)” — I can’t remember which anti-depressant that she takes.


I’ve considered therapy, but I’ve decided that it’s less expensive:
  • (a) to continue believing that a crazy person has obtained a copy of my garage door opener (and has, obviously, chosen to sit outside my house and open-and-close my garage door, in 5-second intervals; AND
  • (b) to drink chardonnay.

So far, so good!

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