Monthly Archives: April 2019

How Waffles Changed My Life

Frozen Waffles Changed My Life.
Toddler Chowing on Frozen Waffle

My young toddler has graduated to the spectacular phase of her life where she can feed herself a waffle!  Why am I so excited that I feel the need to write about this? What does this mean for me?  This means that I save an extra 5 minutes each morning because I no longer have to spend time shredding up her waffle! Oh the things I can do with 5 minutes!
This is huge!
Toddler Loves Waffles



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My Breast Pump Talks to Me! Newborn Sleep Deprivation At Its Finest

I had a complicated relationship with my breast pump.

I used an electric breast pump with my daughter (the Medela Pump in Style Advanced), and I swear to you that the damn thing would talk to me while I was pumping!

My breast pump talked to me while I was pumping.

Let me explain:  I was victim to the common side-effect that goes along with mothering a newborn: sleep-deprivation (see You Know You Have a Newborn When…Grocery Shopping and Your Robe and You Know You Have a Newborn If…Toilet Flushing Phobia for more on the topic of sleep deprivation with a newborn).  I also spent several accumulated hours sitting on my couch, hooked up to my electric breast pump…pumping away….while simultaneously hearing the exact same stupid, rhythmic pattern of my breast-pump’s motor noises – over and over and over again (i.e., the motor noises that my breast pump’s working motor made while I was in the actual process of pumping milk).  Over time, I swear to you that these motor noises formed into words – and these words were simply whatever words that my deliriously exhausted sub-conscience brain decided to pick out.  

Words Spoken To Me By My Breast Pump:

The “words spoken by my breast pump,” courtesy of the sub-conscience portion of my brain, somehow always managed to be the most random, utterly stupid, and pointless phrases imaginable.  The words that my breast pump would speak to me depended on the suction speed that I decided to set the motor to during any particular pumping session.  

Examples of Utterly Stupid Phrases that My Breast Pump Spoke To Me:

  • “Have-some-get-some” (Translated: “Have some, get some”)
  • “Not-da-ma-ma,” (Translated: “Not the mama.”)
  • “Ma-chu-Picc-hu” (Translated: “Machu Picchu”)

My breast-pump only speaks in four-syllable words or phrases when it spoke.  I don’t make the rules!  

I have considered therapy.  

Instead of therapy, I just tell myself that this was totally normal and that this would totally happen to anyone who hadn’t slept for any duration longer than 2-hours for several days/weeks/months on end.  

(Don’t answer that.)

Breast pumps deserve names too.

My breast pump’s name is Ursula (I will explain why later in this post).  

And yes, I named my breast pump.  She deserves a name!  When I needed to manage my breast milk supply at 3:00 AM, it was Ursula (i.e., my breast pump) that would wake up with me.  It was my pump, Ursula, who kept me company at 3:00 AM while everyone else in my world was peacefully sleeping in their beds.  Ursula and I hung-out every 2-hours around the clock during my daughter’s newborn phase.  She became my bestie.

Ursula, the Breast Pump

My relationship with my breast pump went south when my breast pump turned into an evil sea witch.

My breast pump wasn’t always named Ursula. She went weeks just being my nameless companion until one night, when she became an evil sea witch.  

Let me explain…

Do you remember the evil sea witch, Ursula, from the movie, “A Little Mermaid”?  

Well, one night, my breast pump started channeling the voice of Ursula, the evil sea witch.

It was about 4:30 AM one night and I was pumping away, and then, suddenly, for whatever reason, the subconscious part of my crazy brain somehow decided to pick out one of the four-syllabus movie lines said by the evil sea witch, Ursula, in the Disney cartoon movie, “The Little Mermaid.”   For those of you who have seen the movie, “The Little Mermaid,” you might remember the evil sea witch, Ursula, who had her two stupid sea-eel sidekicks who were named Flotsam and Jetsam.  In one of the scenes from the movie, Ursula, right before she sets out to attack the poor mermaid and Prince Erick, yells for her two eel sidekicks for backup; and then Ursula yells, “Flotsam! Jetsam!” in her evil sea witch voice.  Well, “Flotsam! Jetsam!” (syllables: flot-sam-jet-sam) is exactly what my brain decided that my breast pump was trying to tell me.  

(Yes, you read the above paragraph correctly.)

(I’m surprised you are actually still reading this.)

My breast pump turned into Ursula, the evil sea witch, every time I turned it on.  

It’s like the damn thing was taunting me.  And the way that my breast pump said the names “Flotsam! Jetsam!” to me was in the exact same way that Ursula does in the actual movie (though my breast pump’s channeling of Ursula’s voice was slightly distorted and, obviously, way more robotic-sounding).  

See video below for the an example of the words of Ursula, the evil breast pump witch.

Turn to 0:45 in the video to hear the exact words/names that my breast-pump says:

This is all incredibly strange because I have not seen the movie, “The Little Mermaid,” in over two decades. (Yes, I consider that to be the strange part).

(As I write this, I’m seriously second-guessing posting this at all, but I’ll keep going anyway…)

In conclusion, there is apparently absolutely nothing serious that goes on in my brain.  

My sub-conscience’s choices of words to attribute to a rhythmic pattern of noises seems to shed light on the fact that there really isn’t anything of a noble or serious-nature going on in my brain.  This is somewhat humbling, as I would have preferred to go on believing that, at the root of my sub-conscience, stirs some deep and noble idea, or some sort of life-changing, four-syllable life revelation.

Instead, at one of the deepest roots of my sub-conscience, lies three Disney characters from under the sea. 

What has your breast pump said to you?


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Daily Mom Humor – Teaching a Toddler to Use a Spoon

Spoon-teaching suggestions welcome!  

Leave a comment below.

Seriously, does anyone have any ideas for teaching a toddler to use a spoon?  I am paging all been-there-done-that moms for help with this matter.  This just isn’t happening for us.  She hates utensils and only wants to use her fingers!  Help!

We are proud to report, however, that my child can hold her own sippy cup now.  This has changed our life.

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Baby: Too Cold, Too Hot, or Just Fine? Sheesh!

Is Baby Hot or Cold? 

It seems that everyone in my life cannot agree on whether my little 12-month-old daughter is “too hot,” “too cold” or “just fine” at any given moment.   Each person in the room has a completely different opinion on my little one’s body temperature.  In my right ear, I’ll have my mom trying to convince me to take off my daughter’s little sweater because, “Her cheeks are rosy! She must be so hot! It’s toasty in here!”….while right behind me, my sister and grandma are scolding me for not having any socks on her feet (the socks that my baby daughter had just ripped off of her feet for the fifth time that day) because, “She must be freezing! Did you see how cold it is out there today?!”

This was the constant topic of conversation, and debate, during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Theme song that I now can’t get out of my head:  Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold.”


According to some of my mommy friends, the best way to determine if your baby is too hot or too cold is to feel the back of her neck with your wrists – using your hands is apparently not a good way to determine temperature.  if your baby’s neck feels cold to the touch of your wrist, then she might be cold; if your baby’s neck is sweaty, then she is probably too hot.

I am not a doctor, but every bit of advice that I have read  strongly  urges you to make sure that your baby does not overhead (risk of SIDS).  For me, I err on the side of safety – I would rather her be too cold than too hot when I’m trying to decide.

One tip that our pediatrician taught me for determining whether your baby is cold is to look at baby’s thighs – do you notice a marble-like pattern underneath the skin?  If so, this is an  indicator that your baby is cold.  I will  post a photo of my daughter’s legs next time this happens and I have a camera handy.

My “rule of thumb” is to just ask myself how I feel temperature wise.  Also note to yourself whether you are the type of person who is typically warmer than other people in general (or the opposite).  I purchased a white-noise alarm clock (the white noise helps with sleep when the dogs bark non-stop) for my daughter’s bedroom, and it has a built-in indoor temperature gauge.  I personally think that buying an alarm clock with white noise is more practical than buying a “baby white noise machine” because they do the exact same thing (unless your white noise machine projects stars on the ceiling…because those things are awesome; however, those devices cannot tell you what time it is the way a clock can).  Anyway, the alarm clock that we bought that has both (a) white noise, and (b) an indoor temperature gauge is the Timex Color Changing Alarm Clock with Soothing Sounds.

Guilt Relief for this Working Mom: Daycare Socializing and Friends

My “Working Mom” Mommy Guilt Was Relieved – At least for this week…

When I went to drop-off my little 14-month-old toddler at our babysitter before work this week, I was surprised when I saw my little girl immediately run over to one of the other (older) little girls that our babysitter cares for during the day — 4-year-old, Tera.  I had never seen such enthusiasm from my child before, and then the warm n’ fuzzies emerged in my body as I watched my daughter give Tera a gigantic hug and even give Tera a “muah!” kiss (Tessa usually saves this enthusiastic kiss for her stuffed animals only).  To top it off, Tera was just as excited to see Tessa, if not more.  

As I watched my child in a euphoric bear-hug with her new friend, that’s when any and all mommy guilt that I had had completely left my body (at least for this week).  

REMEMBER THIS:  The next time that you feel guilty for leaving your baby at daycare, just remember how healthy it is for your little one to get social skills through their interactions with other kids – not to mention how much your little one may enjoy his/her daycare friends.

Elf On the Shelf – Day 1 and Day 2 (2017)

Elf On the Shelf – Christmas 2017

Day 1 and Day 2

The holidays are upon us as parents.  For me as a mom, this means that Elf on the Shelf went into full-gear as of December 1, 2017.  This also means that I am going to be staying up late giggling while my child sleeps and I find random places to hide this elf for the next 24 days of December.

Happy Elf Hiding!

Below are the places that we found “Elfia” during her first two nights with us this year!

Day 1:  Elfia and the foil-cutter of our wine bottle opener were both found in the wine bottle storage unit of our home.  Elfia claimed that is was 5:00 somewhere in the North Pole when we found her.
Day 2:  Elfia was found inside of Little Mia’s painted rock collection (Little Mia is now 6-years-old). 
Side Note:  My 6-year-old girl, Little Mia, would like to start her own “rock selling business” – I have been offered an amazing opportunity to have a job in her business to be her “rock business manager in partner”  (stay tuned for more about this promising upcoming new business).  Little Mia has been working hard painting all of her amazing rocks for her future clients.
Little Mia will be very pleased that she a new potential client.

If you have any great ideas to share with Elfia as to where she can hide, or if you have your own elf with great hiding places, please share them here!

Daily Mom Humor – Noises In My House Means a Serial Killer

When I am home alone, every single noise I hear is a serial killer.

As first time home-buyers, our first year living in our first house has been full of many surprises.  As far as the reality of owning a house goes, we were previously spoiled by the lack of responsibly and accountability that went into living in a rented apartment unit.  Renting an apartment meant that it was always the landlord’s problem when a washing machine all-of-the-sudden wouldn’t drain or when the toilet all-of-the-sudden started constantly ‘running’….and “maintenance” guy for the apartment complex would always fix it, and yet, our monthly rent remained unchanged).  

Among the many surprises of owning a home was the specific noise that a “sump pump” (not even sure if I am spelling that correctly) makes.  A sump pump sounds, surprisingly, very similar to the noises that a garage-door makes when it opens and closes (at least the two noises sound similar when you are sitting on the couch of the living room).  

According all other house-geniuses out there, a sump pump removes excess water from around the homes (prevents mold and floods….bla, bla, bla); nevertheless, the sump pump is a very important feature to have in a home.  

As a new home owner, I had absolutely no idea what that humming noise was…I had lived there for 7-months, and I had never heard that noise before (aside from when our garage door was opening and closing).  To make sense of it all – we had never lived in the home during a rainy/snow-meling season which required our sump pump to remove water from around out house.

It sounded like my garage door was opening (but for only 5-seconds….when it takes my garage 10-seconds to open).

The dogs would bark.

My senses told me that someone was opening the garage, yet all of my family was inside of the house.

This ultimately led me to the conclusion that there was a crazy person who had somehow managed to steal a a copy of our garage door opener, make a copy, and in my mind, this person was purposely messing with me by opening my garage, part-way, for only 5-seconds, and then shutting it – all before I could run into the garage see the garage door actually opening and closing.

It was straight out of a scene of one of the “Scream” films.

When I told my friend this story, her exact words were: “Oh my god.  You are crazy like me – you need (FILL IN THE ANTI-DEPRESSANT MEDICATION NAME)” — I can’t remember which anti-depressant that she takes.


I’ve considered therapy, but I’ve decided that it’s less expensive:
  • (a) to continue believing that a crazy person has obtained a copy of my garage door opener (and has, obviously, chosen to sit outside my house and open-and-close my garage door, in 5-second intervals; AND
  • (b) to drink chardonnay.

So far, so good!

Share your scary house noise stories 
by commenting below!

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